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Just a joke

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Karl_db View Drop Down
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  Quote Karl_db Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Just a joke
    Posted: 13 Dec 2011 at 10:15pm
LOL
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  Quote Randy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Dec 2011 at 8:20am
A $50 Lesson:

I recently asked my neighbors' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? '  

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed with pride.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that! You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. '

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? '

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
 
Her parents still aren't speaking to me. 
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  Quote Karl_db Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Dec 2011 at 3:00pm
Yep.
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  Quote Bob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Dec 2011 at 3:35pm
In the coming New Year, 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day, Feb 2nd.

This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.


One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a groundhog. 
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  Quote Karl_db Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Dec 2011 at 3:42pm
LOL
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  Quote Randy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Dec 2011 at 5:02pm
LOL!
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  Quote Bob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Dec 2011 at 12:20am

Tools Explained  (PARDON THE LANGUAGE AT THE VERY END BUT NECESSESSARY TO CONVEY THE IDEA)

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.


WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'


SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of aBITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


Hope you found this informative.

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  Quote Karl_db Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Dec 2011 at 2:45am
ROFLMBO  That's just great!!  Sounds like an experienced (OJT) do-it-to-yourselfer.

A slight modification:  Pliers and/or pruners with a self-locking mechanism built into it. Usually a a small lever that can be swiveled into a notch to keep the device closed. Handy. Usually doesn't work. Unless you're using it and managed somehow to pinch your meat in it....then it will miraculously lock every time. 
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  Quote Don Watkins Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Dec 2011 at 2:50am

Hehe, yup, never figured out that latch on pruning sheers other than to lock them up when you want to use them.

It's a good list but they forgot the BFH (Big Fine Hammer) which is used for all delicate tasks when something doesn't want to budge or doesn't quite fit.

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  Quote Karl_db Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Dec 2011 at 4:20pm
This isn't a joke...but it's funny. Or I thought so. Helps to have a sense of humor in life. This is from the website of the fellow (or gal?) who draws the Arlo and Janis comic strip. And you can order books there:

A few of you who ordered the book  received some strange and confusing notices during the shipping process. Things such as, and I’m paraphrasing, “Your books have shipped!” “Oops! They haven’t.” “They really have shipped now!” “No, they have not!” “I tell you they have shipped!” ”I tell you, they have not!” And so on. This is because of our little friend, the thermal printer.

A your-package-has-shipped email is generated automatically every time a label is sent to the printer. If the label fails to print correctly, the label must be cancelled, and a your-shipment-has-been-canceled email is generated. Some lucky buyers received several such messages! The thermal printer is a hellish little animal that makes life in the mailroom miserable at the same time it makes it possible. Finally, we have learned how to talk to it and stroke it and make it comfortable, and it works as designed most of the time. The alarming your-shipment-has-been-canceled notifications are at a minimum.

There are IT people among you. What I want to know is, does anything ever work as it is supposed to work, right out of the box?

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  Quote Don Watkins Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Dec 2011 at 4:53pm

No (grin).

Funny story.

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  Quote Karl_db Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Dec 2011 at 5:25pm
This could be a "fill in the blank" for almost anything. Sometimes maybe even living things. Had me rolling of the floor:

The _________________ is a hellish little animal that makes life miserable at the same time it makes it possible. Finally, we have learned how to talk to it and stroke it and make it comfortable, and it works as designed most of the time.
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  Quote Bob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Dec 2011 at 6:34pm
I guess it figures - those that create comic strips have a sense of humor.  I like Arlo and Janis.
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  Quote Randy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Dec 2011 at 6:34am
heehee!  ... and quite a way with words!

Back to the tools joke:  That had to be written by someone who has worked with their hands.

I would have had to include the crescent wrench, which is used to bust knuckles against car parts as you strain to round off the nut or bolt head you're trying to turn.  Will round off nuts and bolt heads of various sizes.
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  Quote Karl_db Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Dec 2011 at 9:13am
That is a good one...the crescent wrench.  A head-rounder for sure.

I also noticed that they said that utility knives were handy for slicing open clothes while opening boxes and such. I wish they would stop at clothes!!.
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  Quote Randy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Dec 2011 at 10:11am
I was thinking the same thing and then wished I had not.  It's safer to use a hammer or screwdriver to open boxes and such.
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  Quote Karl_db Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Dec 2011 at 10:24am
A hammer eh! You must be related to Don. LOL
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  Quote Don Watkins Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Dec 2011 at 11:14am
Not just any hammer, a BFH!
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  Quote Karl_db Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Dec 2011 at 6:10pm
Never mind. Apparently I can't read very good tonight. Need more coffee.
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  Quote Bob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Jan 2012 at 11:24pm
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex
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