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Just a joke

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Bob View Drop Down
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  Quote Bob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Just a joke
    Posted: 26 Jan 2014 at 4:19pm
(I might have posted this before but ....)


Subject: AMISH LADY DRIVER IS PULLED OVER.


"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector.

He said he would put a new one on immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
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  Quote Karl_db Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Jan 2014 at 4:58pm
HeeHee  I don't remember it...good one. 
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  Quote Don Watkins Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Jan 2014 at 6:16pm
Just about fell out of the chair. Hilarious.
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  Quote Karl_db Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Jan 2014 at 6:37pm
Sure glad that's a real horse-powered vehicle.  I'd hate to think on our English horse powered vehicle exactly where they might attach that emergency brake...
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  Quote Karl_db Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Feb 2014 at 3:44am
The Dot FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.
 
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States.
 
If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical support.
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  Quote Karl_db Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Feb 2014 at 3:34am
(your age) x 7 x 1443 = triple your age.

Just a math formula from a trivia book last night.  Maybe that's how old triplets would be....HeeHee

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  Quote Don Watkins Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Feb 2014 at 1:58pm

I've seen a lot of jokes about auto-correct. This is a gem:

The following text message appeared on a man's iPhone from his next-door neighbor:

 

"I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you.

I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

 

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

 

A few moments later, a second text came in: "Damn auto correct. I meant 'wifi' not 'wife.'"

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  Quote Karl_db Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Feb 2014 at 5:30pm
Ohhhhh....oops....my bad! HeeHee
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  Quote Karl_db Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Feb 2014 at 11:59am
If the late night comedians don't have a field day with this headline...then they don't have a warped sense of humor like I do.  It's from today's big city Sunday newspaper:
Ecstasy found in man’s underwear
  ROFLMBO 
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  Quote Bob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Feb 2014 at 3:16pm
That's not warped, that's funny!
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  Quote Bob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Feb 2014 at 10:57pm
The Department of Defense briefed the President this morning.

They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan.

To everyone's surprise, he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked, "Just how many is a brazilian?"

This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billions or trillions either.
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  Quote Karl_db Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Mar 2014 at 3:58am
ROFLMBO  A great early morning laugh.  
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  Quote Don Watkins Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Mar 2014 at 5:03am
Very good!
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  Quote Bob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Mar 2014 at 11:21pm
This is long but appropriate and kind of funny in a dark way:

A short story about ObamaGolf which makes perfect sense...... NOT!



For all my golfing buddies. You are buddies, but I don't golf, thank goodness.



(Receptionist) Hello, Welcome to ObamaGolf. My name is Trina. How can I help you?










(Customer) Hello, I received an email from Golfsmith stating that my Pro V1 order has been canceled and I should go to your exchange to reorder it. I tried your web site, but it seems like it is not working. So I am calling the 800 number.









(Receptionist) Yes, I am sorry about the web site. It should be fixed by the end of 2014. But I can help you.









(Customer) Thanks, I ordered some Pro V1 balls.






(Receptionist) Sir, Pro V1's do not meet our minimum standards, I will be happy to provide you with a choice of Pinnacle, TopFlite, or Callaway Blue.









(Customer) But I have played Pro V1 for years.









(Receptionist) The government has determined that Pro V1s are no longer acceptable, so we have instructed Titleist to stop makiing them. TopFlites are better, sir, I am sure you will love them.









(Customer) But I like the Pro V1. Why are TopFlites better?









(Receptionist) That is all spelled out in the 2700 page "Affordable Golf Ball Act" passed by Congress.









(Customer) Well, how much are these TopFlites?









(Receptionist) It depends sir, do you want our Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum package?









(Customer) What's the difference?









(Receptionist) 12, 24, 36 or 48 balls.









(Customer) The Silver package may be okay; how much is it?









(Receptionist) It depends, sir; what is your monthly income?









(Customer) What does that have to do with anything?









(Receptionist) I need that to determine your government Golf Ball subsidy; then I can determine how much your out-of-pocket cost will be. But if your income is below the poverty level, you might qualify for a subsidy. In that case, I can refer you to our BallAid department.









(Customer) BallAid?









(Receptionist) Yes, golf balls are a right, everyone has a right to golf balls. So, if you can't afford them, then the government will supply them free of charge.









(Customer) Who said they were a right?









(Receptionist) Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme Court found it Constitutional.









(Customer) Whoa.....I don't remember seeing anything in the Constitution regarding golf balls as a right.









(Receptionist) There's no explicit mention of golf balls in the Constitution, but President Obama is a former constitutional scholar and he believes it would have been included if the Constitutional had not been drafted by a bunch of slave-owning white men. The Democrats in the Congress and the Supreme Court agree with the President that golf balls are now a right guaranteed by the Constitution.









(Customer) I don't believe this...









(Receptionist) It's the law of the land sir. Now, we anticipated most people would go for the Silver Package, so what is you monthly income sir?









(Customer) Forget it, I think I will forgo the balls this year.









(Receptionist) In that case, sir, I will still need your monthly income.









(Customer) Why?









(Receptionist) To determine what your 'non-participation' cost would be.









(Customer) WHAT? You can't charge me for NOT buying golf balls.









(Receptionist) It's the law of the land, sir, approved by the Supreme Court. It's $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income.....









(Customer)(interrupting) This is ridiculous, I'll pay the $49.50.









(Receptionist) Sir, it is the $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income, whichever is greater.






(


Customer) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What a ripoff!!









(Receptionist) Actually sir, it is a good deal. Next year it will be 2%.









(Customer) Look, I'm going to call my Congressman to find out what's going on here. This is ridiculous. I'm not going to pay it.









(Receptionist) Sorry to hear that sir, that's why I had the NSA track this call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone you are using.









(Customer) Why does the NSA need to know what kind of CELL PHONE I AM USING?









(Receptionist) So they get your GPS coordinates, sir









(Door Bell rings followed immediately by a loud knock on the door)









(Receptionist) That would be the IRS, sir. Thanks for calling ObamaGolf, have a nice day...and God Bless the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave.
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  Quote Karl_db Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Mar 2014 at 5:24am
Whew.  Scary.  Long but good and a good analogy.  
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  Quote Karl_db Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Mar 2014 at 2:48am
Crankshaft  Yep 
Starting to see why he's called crank shaft.
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  Quote Bob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Mar 2014 at 7:54am
Obviously that strip creator has a bad back himself.
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  Quote Bob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Mar 2014 at 10:50am


"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors."
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  Quote Karl_db Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Mar 2014 at 4:09pm
Wow....suggestion of the year award!!  That's a great idea.  Maybe instead of uniforms...maybe permanent tattoos??
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  Quote Bob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Mar 2014 at 6:35pm
                            Comeback lines

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.....
Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

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